Reviews can be painful.  One should not engage with a reviewer but sometimes you are DESPERATE TO.  So these are some of my favourite horrors and, in the arena of my website, I can react to them safely and without getting into a web-war, because you just can’t win those.

Disappointed damaged when I received my book.
Oh flipping spare me!

Dreadful.
I am in very good company.  This person doesn’t like anything – all her other reviews are ‘dreadful’ ‘awful’ BUT she really did like her halogen light bulbs and gave them 4 juicy stars.

…Unacceptable language.
English?  Would she rather I wrote in Swedish?  I presume she means swearing.  People swear in real life, so they swear in my books. You can’t have a nasty villain who shakes their fist and says ‘Blimey.’

I was so looking forward to this book I didn’t realise that this book dealt with assault!! If I would of known this I wouldn’t of bought this.
I have my copy to second hand. So misleading especially as it had a lovely cover.
Even in books with lovely covers, some action has to happen.  If the cover told the whole story, there would be just three pregnant woman posing for 400 pages.

I have not got this yet I know what happen I would like my money back.
Drug problem?

I read this book in a few hours. What a load of predictable drivel! I would not recommend it to anybody.
Why not just give up if you hate it?  Reading should be about pleasure surely?? Interestingly, it’s the only book this person has ever reviewed so I feel kinda special… Maybe an old enemy from years past!

I found this book slow going and unfortunately it didn’t get any better. I found the whole concept unrealistic (a Christmas theme park?!).
Once upon a time, Alton Towers was just a field.  And yep, there are Christmas theme parks in Britain – and that’s fact. Even if I do write fiction.  Escapism.  Did I say fiction?

…Actually don’t remember buying this?
I have no words.

I can’t believe I spent 49p on a few pages – don’t bother – I thought i was buying a a short book not a few pages – this is a rip off
It’s a short story, love.  It costs 40p to have a wee in King’s Cross Station.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.

What an utter waste of time! Won’t be buying any more of this author’s books!
It was free.  Some people, eh!