THE ELVIS PRESLEY GIFT SHOP
For those who asked me to post it - here it is!
In the Elvis Presley gift shop
There are lots of Elvis Presley things
Elvis Presley pendants, tee-shirts,
Matches and plastic keyrings
There’s an Elvis Presley ash-tray
Which I think is a bit sick
Cos I’d think about him in the crem
Whilst I’m stubbing out my cig
There’s Elvis pens and pencils
For all the budding writers
And Elvis Presley hip-swivelling cream
For sufferers of arthritis
For the kids there’s paint by numbers
Colour him in it’s all the rage
Buy canisters of Elvis sweat
And smell like him on stage
There’s Elvis Presley condoms
To set all hearts aflutter
Cos they taste of quarterpounders
Bacon, lard and peanut butter
Eyelashes, snippets of Elvis’s toenails
And a genuine Elvis tooth
And a hundred more original molars
In the stockroom in the roof
There’s some musical vibrators
A choice – I see - of two
One plays ‘All Shook Up’
And the other ‘Stuck on You.’
There’s Elvis Presley quilts and sheets
And Elvis tasselled pillows
Big wigs, false tits and make up kits
For all would-be Priscillas
There are Elvis Presley Teddy Bears
And Elvis clotted cream fudge
And Elvis Presley Laxatives
For when your movements need a nudge
The girl behind the counter
Is the owner’s latest flame
‘Nice to meet you, boy,’ she said.
Telling me her name
Was Lisa Marie Graceland
Now…that I was surprised to learn
Cos her parents have a veg shop
On a street in Wath on Dearne
She wears an Elvis tee-shirt
‘THE KING LIVES ON’
And a big black hairy quiff
Don’t take the p
She’ll crush your jailhouse rocks
If you said he was just a stiff
Elvis lives on all right,
The words ring out
On plates and cups and saucers
Emblazoned with pictures of him, fat and thin
On stage and in the forces
I am obliged to buy something
From this Elvis enterprise
Cos Lisa Marie is watching me
With Peter Sutcliffe eyes.
I buy an Elvis CD
So I can hear him croon
Blue Christmas and Suspicious Minds
In pure pitch perfect tune
For though the man went downhill
And started wearing trousers
That would fit around a fat bloke
Plus a row of terraced houses
And he popped pills like smarties
And drank cartloads of booze
The singer ain’t been born yet
That could fill his blue suede shoes
WRESTLING PROJECT LATEST
Anyone who knows me knows that I'm writing a local history of the sport of wrestling and it's turning out to be quite a Herculean task - but great fun.
I'm pretty clued up myself on the subject, seeing as my interest dates from being a kid (and that was at least 10 years ago... ho ho) but I'm also being helped along the way by some old pro's and am hoping to write a belter of a book that satisfies a lot of curiosity.
I'm always on the 'hearout' for anecdotes about wrestlers and members of the Yorkshire public if you have any you'd like to tell me and ex-wrestler 'Tarzan Boy' Darren Ward, who has probably the biggest collection of British Wrestling memorabilia in the world, is always on the lookout to expand that collection and can be contacted directly on 07920 048499 if you have anything to contribute to what he hopes will make a fantastic public exhibit.
This project will be finished in the summer - I was waiting for the 55th World of Sport reunion and have a stack of fab pictures to include! It will be advertised via the Wrestling Heritage site - details to come
BARNSLEY SPEAKERS - PUBLIC LIST
Click on the link below to download a list of local speakers (fee's negotiable with individuals) for clubs and groups in the area. Please feel free to contact me and be added on!
Click here to download. Please note that this is a Microsoft Word document so you may prefer to right-click, save it to your desktop and then open from there.
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